Armed only with his wit and optimistic cynicism, Suspeckted takes you on a junior-highesque joyride as he rants and raves from his bag o' tricks intermixed with his tales and his unwaning desire to be a poet...scribbling and doodling from margin 2 margin.
Published on May 9, 2004 By Suspeckted In Sports & Leisure
Many of you may not know what a "snot rocket," as the procedure I'm about to describe is commonly referred to here in the Midwest, is so I will both define it, and explain step by step instructions as how to properly execute the procedure.

A "snot rocket" is essentially the expulsion of phelgm from a single nostril with great force. This is commonly done when no tissues or equivilent is available, or when using such an item is either impractical or socially unnecessary, such as in a corn field, hence the alternative term "famer blow."

Now since one is shooting phelgm from their nose with rapid velocity one must take special care in executing the snot rocket so as to hit their intended target (hopefully the natural ground and not someone's living room rug or face) and avoid making themselves a innocent bystandard.

There are two main scenarios we will use to decifer what type of snot rocket you should use.

The first one, the "in motion" snot rocket which we will discuss today.
The second, stationary snot rocket which, we will discuss if or whenever I feel like getting around to it.

"In motion" would refer to a situation in which one is actually moving. For example, this one will be for runners and bikers or any other various athletes who, while exercising have a tendency to build up a lot of phlegm.

I've found that while in motion (particularly when riding a bike) it's best to blow a snot rocket across your body. First select the nostril you wish to blow a snot rocket from. If you have chosen your left nostril...begin by using the index finger of your right hand to close off your right nostril. You may do this with a straight index finger or with the knuckle of your index finger if you're as cool as me and want to look tough while you're doing it. Next, turn your head 90 degrees or more to the right. Next, take a deep breath through your mouth. Finally, blow the air you have just deeply inhaled with great force out of your left nostril. This should send the majority of elements of your left nostril towards the ground moving by you. Repeat as desired.

To do the right nostril simply follow the same steps with the exceptions of plugging your left nostril with your right index finger and turning your head to the left instead of right.

One is often tempted to blow a left nostril snot rocket by turning their head to the left instead of across their body. While this might appear to make more sense I guarantee it will leave you with a much larger percentage of snot caked shoulders if you do it in this fashion.

I should mention however, that very few snot rockets are perfect. Generally speaking there will be some excess left over dangling from your nose after the procedure regardless of repetition. If one is wearing some type of gloves, or just doesn't really care what they get on their hands, a quick wipe should do the job.

Good Luck My Snotty Nosed Commrades,
Please post your trials and tribulations,

SuspeckTed


Comments
on May 09, 2004

Ted, you made me gag with this.  I can handle a lot of stuff..poop, puke, blood, pee, semen, brain matter, guts...but snot makes me ill.  Physically ill.  I've been known to throw up after having to wipe some kid's snotty nose....yukky.  Very yukky.

My boys liked it though.  They say they're looking forward to their next runny noses so they can try out "Mr Ted's" technique.

on May 10, 2004
Ok, ok.... ya got me with this one Ted!

Word of warning folks!!

Do NOT.... repeat, DO NOT attempt this manouver if you have a moustache......

I'm still pickin' out the dregs!

Wreckless.
on May 10, 2004
hahahahahahahahaahhaah
Eric, that makes me laugh.

Ted-
You gross fuck. Just kidding. While I'm pretty familiar with the snot rocket, I've never felt completely comfortable about performing it. I understand if you're on your bike or running or whatever...but no one wants to see that and/or step in your snot. Some guy did that the other day when I was carrying out his groceries...and the fucker didn't even tip me. Bad times.
Chris
on May 10, 2004
Wreckless - totally forgot about the facial hair dilemma. Thanks for the warning. That will be included in the final proof.

Unfairman - I feel bad enough you have to carry groceries for people since I had to endure that nonsense for a year of my life and at CUB you're not allowed to take tips...you'd be fired. and you're wrong...lots of people want to step in my snot...you know who you are.
on May 12, 2004
What, so no one has any success or failure stories yet? How grotesquely disappointing. Just think of all the money on kleenex we'd save and all the waste we'd cut down on if people didn't need them to blow their noses. Viva la Revolution!
on May 13, 2004
Heh, you know, ..... if this catches on, there'll be little exploded snot-rockets all over the place!

On the bright side... I have a new tactic for those who cut me off while I'm on the motorbike.

...... wonder what sort of a pattern one of these little expulsions will make on the windshield of the car that decides to try that in future?!

Wreckless.
on May 15, 2004
i tried SO hard not to look at this thread.

i saw it there, and i kept thinking "nah ... it will just make me feel like barfing .. it will be about mucus".

so, the fact that i am here says more about me that i want it to

anyway, to the subject at hand... as an interesting ahem, "cultural" aside, it may interest you to know that some australian males also follow this practice.

you have given yours the fabulously-phallic sounding moniker of "snot rocket".

in the land down under, we have christened this practice after the so-called "swagmen" who travel with very few possessions. it goes without saying that very few of them have a clean hanky when required to ah, you know, do that..

this the invention of the "cheerful-and-much-nicer-than-it-sounds" name for the "aussie" snot rocket:

"the bushmans' hanky"

(or simply "a bushies")

ewwwwwwwwwwww !



great article. funny stuff, ted. thanks, mig. XX
on May 17, 2004
Thanks for the cultural insight Mig. I must say I have found it very interesting how grossed out people are by dicussions of snot. I guess I never realized that it bothered so many people to the degree it really does. I mean, I'm not talking about blowing snot onto other people, just onto the ground where it will likely be much appreciated.
on May 17, 2004

Dictated by my almost-10-year-old, Davey:


Dear Mister Ted,


I read about how to blow a snot rocket and I wanted to try it but my mom said I had to wait until I got a runny nose.  I got a runny nose on Saturday and I blew my first ever snot rocket.  It had chunks in it.  It didn't go very far.  I think that was because of the chunks.  But it landed on the sidewalk and all my friends said "eeewwww!!!".  I liked it, and I want to try it again the next time I have a runny nose.  My mom says it makes her heave.  I think that it's cool.


Love, Davey.

on May 18, 2004
Dharma.... don't ever lose that sense of humor!
I'm in tears over here!

Wreckless
on May 18, 2004
Davey - you're my new hero. I can't tell you the lengths I've gone to simply to gross my mom out. I'm glad I could aid you in your own pursuits.

Runny noses, contrary to what you might think aren't the best environment for the snot rocket. I recommend that thin line between plugged up and runny for the best results. Just careful with that aim! Just like "hocking a loogey" one must always exercise extreme caution. I really don't want to tell the story about the time I hocked a loogey on my friends leg while we were playing hackey-sack...just emberassing....and I admit it.....disgusting.

Peace,
SuspeckTed
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